You or Your Memory
by bayloriffic
Summary: Post-"The Incident." But Juliet’s not here, never will be, and all the imaginary conversations in the world aren’t going to bring her back into his life. And what kills him is that that’s exactly how she wanted it. Sawyer/Juliet
1. Chapter 1

**PART 1**

*******

_Some things you'll do for money_

_And some things you'll do for fun_

_But the things you do for love_

_Are gonna come back to you one by one_

("Love, Love, Love" The Mountain Goats)

***

"What the hell did we do, Doc?" Sawyer asks as he sits down in the empty seat next to Jack, looking around the plane.

Jack, looking as confused as Sawyer feels, shakes his head. "I think we did it." He looks around, and gives Sawyer a slight smile. "We're back on the plane. It worked."

_No fucking kidding, it worked, _he thinks. But what he says is, "How the hell did we get back on this plane? What happens now? And what the hell happened to not remembering anything?"

Jack stares at him, giving him that look, the one that implies Sawyer really is just a dumb hick. "We do what we should have done three years ago: we go back to our real lives. As to why we remember, Sawyer, I honestly don't know. And I don't care, either. It doesn't change anything; we're back, the plane never crashed, we can get on with our lives." But even as he says it, Jack peers around Sawyer and his eyes search the plane, until he finds what he's looking for. Sawyer sees Jack smile and turns to look.

On the other side of the plane, just a few rows back Kate sits staring straight ahead. She must sense the two pair of eyes on her because she looks over at them. Jack's smile widens and he nods at her. Kate doesn't smile back. She has tears streaming down her face, hands in her lap hidden under a jacket, and when the man sitting next to her sees Jack and Sawyer looking at her, he grabs Kate's arm and hisses something in her ear.

She glares at the man, a look of loathing that Sawyer knows all too well, jerks her arm out of his hands, and goes back to staring directly in front of her.

_I guess everyone ain't so happy after all, _Sawyer thinks with a mix of satisfaction and pity, and turns around in time to see Jack's face fall. Sawyer thinks maybe he should say something comforting, maybe something about how at least everyone's alive, but instead he just looks at Jack and sneers, "Least you and Freckles don't have to worry about some messy break-up now" and gets up and stalks back to his own seat.

Jack had said that the bomb would reset things, that they wouldn't remember the past three years, but Sawyer remembers.

Sawyer remembers everything. He remembers hurtling through the air and crashing on some nowhere deserted island. Remembers everyone hating him and then maybe not hating him so much. Remembers the brief flicker of hope that came with the freighter and jumping from the helicopter and flashing through time. He remembers Juliet. And how for three years, (_three years that now have never happened,_ he realizes), he was happy and loved. And then he remembers how his whole life collapsed under the weight of Jack and Kate, and the chains of the island, and he just wants to get off the fucking plane and into a bar.

He looks around the plane, at all of the other passengers on Flight 815, and wonders how many of them remember. Two rows behind him, Charlie fidgets in his seat, tapping his fingers on the armrest to some internal drug-driven rhythm. Sawyer thinks about going up to him and sitting down in the empty seat next to him. Maybe asking him what it felt like to die. Charlie looks up and catches him staring. Gives him a look, one without the slightest trace of recognition, one that says, _what the fuck are you staring at? _and Sawyer thinks, _well, that answers that._

Glancing around the cabin, at people he's never even met, people who died in the crash the first time around, Sawyer thinks that all of this was a mistake. He doesn't care about these people, people whose names he doesn't know and never will. He thinks Juliet's life was worth more than all of these idiots' combined. Although, now that he thinks about it, she apparently didn't. And even though he misses her, misses her more than he realized was possible, he's also pissed as hell at her. He thinks of everything he would say to her if she were here right now, _I love you _and _I'm sorry _and _What the fuck, Jules?. _But she's not here, never will be, and all the imaginary conversations in the world aren't going to bring her back into his life. And what kills him is that that's exactly how she wanted it. (_If I never meet you, then I never have to lose you._) Hell, at least he knows where she comes down on the whole "it's better to have loved and lost" thing.

After that, Sawyer guesses it's best to just cut his losses; he leans back, closes his eyes, and hopes to hell that the plane actually makes it to LA. It would be just his luck for all of that "whatever happened, happened" shit that Daniel was always babbling about to mean that the plane just crashes somewhere else. _At least then everyone else will be just as miserable as me, _he thinks vindictively.

But the plane doesn't crash. It lands, safe and sound at LAX, and Sawyer grabs his bag from the overhead and pushes down the aisle towards the exit, brushing past an arguing Boone and Shannon (_those two are fucked no matter what, _he thinks), before getting stuck behind an aisle-full of passengers all impatient to disembark. He's so wrapped up in just trying to get the hell off the damn plane that he doesn't notice Hurley step into the aisle behind him. It's not until the larger man's arms are wrapped around him and he's smothered in a hug and a shout of "Dude!" that he even realizes what's happening.

"Calm down, Hugo," Sawyer snarls, trying to extricate himself, "people are gonna get the wrong idea." Glancing at the people lined up to get off the plane, glaring because they're stuck behind this little class of '77 reunion they've got going on, he whispers to Hurley, "Get movin,' Hoss" and shoves the bigger man forward.

"Sorry, dude." Following Hurley, Sawyer makes it off the plane without incident, though he notices Sayid staring at them as they move through the terminal.

"So, dude, what do you think happened exactly? Do you think everyone remembers? I tried to say hi to Walt, but Michael kept giving me these weird looks like I was a creepy pedophile or something." Hurley's clearly excited and confused, but he doesn't seem upset. Not like Sawyer or Jack or Kate. _At least someone's happy, _Sawyer thinks and is surprised to realize that he kind of means that.

"What should we do now, do you think?" Even though Sawyer hasn't responded to any of his other questions, Hurley keeps going.

"That's the 64 million dollar question, ain't it?" Sawyer says. The truth is, he has no idea. He's got no money, no place to stay, no ticket out of LA. He's got nothin'. What he'd like to do is go beat the shit out of Jack and then spend a few days wallowing in self-pity and cursing Juliet's damn martyrdom. But he just looks at Hurley and says,"I don't know about you, Hugo, but I could sure as hell use a drink." He lugs his bag over to the airport bar and finds a seat, Hurley trailing after him the whole way.

**

Hurley and Sawyer find two empty seats up at the bar, and Sawyer orders a whiskey and Hurley gets a beer. They sit there for a few minutes, not really talking, just looking around the airport in a daze of confusion and déjà vu. Jack comes over and sits next to Sawyer, asks the bartender for a bourbon. As he sits there with his drink, he talks mostly about Kate and second chances and how things are going to be different this time, but Sawyer can tell the man's probably just going to end up drinking himself to death, waiting for Kate to change. Jack only stays for twenty minutes before handing Sawyer a business card and telling him to keep in touch.

Sawyer shakes his head at this. What the fuck are they ever going to talk about again? How Jack destroyed the one good thing in his life? The physics of time travel? Maybe reminisce about all the time they wasted fighting over Kate. But he just accepts the card with a nod, says, "See ya, doc."

No one else stops, though Sayid nods to them on his way through the terminal. It's strange, but Sawyer guesses he knows how he feels. Doesn't want to get tangled up in this whole mess again. Hell, it's probably best to pretend they don't know each other and just get on with the lives they were supposed to lead. Although, looking at Hurley sitting next to him, Jack's card on the bar, Sawyer guesses maybe that ship has sailed for him.

A few minutes later, Jin passes by with just a nod in their direction, and Sawyer sees Sun give them a distrustful look, though one without any kind of recognition. He's beginning to figure out a pattern. The people who were there when the Jughead blew seem to remember, but the people who died or were in another fucking decade have no memories of any of it.

And even though he's trying not to think about her, Sawyer wonders what that means for Juliet. He guesses if she hit bottom before the bomb exploded, she's probably right now hanging out at some beach in Miami, no idea who he is, just like she wanted. And, if by some cruel twist of fate she managed to survive until the bomb went off, well, he'd rather not think about what that means.

Just then, Hurley nudges him with an elbow, almost knocking him off the bar stool. "What the hell, Hugo?" Sawyer snaps, rubbing his arm where Hurley's elbow connected.

"Do you see her? You see her, right?" Hurley sounds excited and nervous and Sawyer can't figure out what the hell he's talking about.

The big man's sneaking glances behind him, trying to look nonchalant. Sawyer's got no such compunction and just turns around on the stool.

"Do you see her?" Hurley asks again.

Sawyer sees Libby sitting alone in the corner, sipping some girly looking pink drink and reading a magazine. "Yeah, I see her. Calm down, will ya?"

Sawyer turns back around to his drink, while Hurley keeps whipping his head around to stare at Libby. "You look like a damn psycho, Hugo. Stop starin' at her like that."

Hurley turns back around and spends the next fifteen minutes talking about Libby and second chances and how maybe this is good thing. That maybe things will work out better this time.

And it's not like Sawyer begrudges him any happiness, but damn if the guy's not annoying the piss out of him. He doesn't say anything though, and Hurley keeps rambling. "So she looks good, right? What do you think she's doing in LA? Do you think she lives here? Or maybe she's just passing through. I mean, most people don't just hang out in the airport after their flight lands. I mean, we are, but that's different, right? She probably doesn't remember me…" And on and on.

Finally, Sawyer tells him to knock it off. "Just go up to her and get her damn number, Hugo."

Hurley looks horrified at the suggestion, keeps saying that there's no way she's be interested in him. Sawyer actually feels sorry for the guy, so he gets up, saunters over and asks Libby himself. Smiles at her and with a nod in Hurley's direction tells her his friend would really like to meet her. And even though he feels like he's in damn junior high, asking Sally if she likes his friend Jeff because Jeff likes her, he does it anyway. Libby smiles back at him, and looks over at Hurley. When she sees him, she makes this face that makes Sawyer think that maybe she does remember the island, but when she turns back to Sawyer the look is gone and she grabs a pen out of her purse, writes her number on a cocktail napkin, says, "My name's Libby, by the way."   

Sawyer heads back over to Hurley, gives him a small sardonic smile, holds up the cocktail napkin, and says, "Well, Jabba, you're apparently not as repulsive as you think."

Hurley's face lights up, and Sawyer almost can't remember the last time he saw someone so genuinely happy. It makes him feel a little like throwing up for some crazy ass reason, a feeling that gets stronger when Hurley takes another swallow of beer and says, "So what about Juliet?"

Sawyer doesn't respond, just stares down into his glass. Hurley glances over and keeps going, bulldozing forward in that irritatingly child-like way of his. "I mean, if all those people on the plane are still alive, if Libby's still around, then that means Juliet is too, right? Do you think she's still on the island? Do you think—"

"I think you need to shut the hell up, Jumbo." He doesn't want to talk about Juliet, doesn't want to think about how he had something good—how he had done something good—for the first time in his sorry ass life and then lost it all because of a three second look at Kate.

"It don't matter where she is. And, frankly, I hope I never see her again. In this life or any other." He takes another drink. "She made her choice." And even as he says it, Sawyer imagines Juliet sitting next to him, rolling her eyes at his bravado. Appraising him her cool blue eyes and a little smirk, as she laughs off his insults, says, _Honestly, James, stop acting like such a child_.

They sit in silence after that. Hurley mostly nurses his beer, spends most of his time looking around the airport, smiling a little when he sees anyone he recognizes. Sawyer doesn't look at anyone or anything, just keeps throwing back whiskey. Thinks about what he said to Hurley, that he doesn't care where Juliet is now or what she's doing. And part of him means that; if there's one thing that Sawyer's good at it's holding on to a grudge and he's not going to let this one go that easy. She wanted it so they never meet, then fine, Sawyer will make damn sure they never cross paths in this life.

When he finally finishes his beer, Hurley glances over at Sawyer who looks plastered and sad, and says, "Seriously, dude, what are you going to do?"

Sawyer must be drunker than he thought because he answers honestly. "I've got no fuckin' idea. I got no money and since I was only on that damn plane because I was being deported I didn't exactly get a chance to figure out all of my travel plans." He takes a breath to sober up a little before continuing. "Got any suggestions for me?"

Looking surprisingly happy at this news, Hurley says, "Yeah, dude, you can stay with me. Maybe we can figure out what happened back on the island. And, also, maybe you can help me a little more with Libby?" He says this last part in really hopeful way, a way that makes Sawyer want to roll his eyes and smack Hurley in the back of the head.

And even though the last thing Sawyer wants to do is to go home with Hurley to whatever shitty place he lives in (_probably wall to wall pizza boxes and comic books, _Sawyer thinks maliciously) and talk about the island, about things that went horribly wrong and things he can never change or get back, he doesn't have many other options.

So he just shakes his head, downs the rest of his drink and signals for the check. He looks at Hurley and says, "Sounds good, Hugo. Let's go."


	2. Chapter 2

**PART 2**

**

_On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time_

_I felt free and I felt lonely and I felt scared_

_And I began to talk to myself almost immediately_

_Not being used to being the only person there_

("Woke Up New," The Mountain Goats)

**

Sawyer wakes up slowly, disoriented and confused. It took him hours to fall asleep last night; he hasn't slept alone in over two years and he misses his bed (_at home_) on the island. How the blankets were slightly scratchy and smelled like soap and motor oil and the soft scent particular to Juliet. The bed at Hurley's house has super-soft sheets that smell of some cloying, flowery fabric softener and the whole situation just pisses him off. As he comes more fully awake, he shakes the thought of Juliet, of how he misses waking up with her pressed against him, reminds himself once again that this is how she wanted it, and focuses instead on figuring out what the hell he's doing.

When he first got to Hurley's house last night, Sawyer realized that this reality is turning out to be almost as bizarre as the last one. Turns out the guy is a multi-millionaire. His house is huge; three stories, in this super-swanky part of LA, the part of town that, in another life, would have had Sawyer lining up his next mark. It's immaculately clean, all except Hurley's room, which has got clothes and comic books thrown everywhere, which makes Sawyer feel at least a little bit better about his people-reading skills.

**

It's weird, staying in this giant house with Hugo and his mom. Hurley's mom loves Sawyer; one smile from him and she started talking to him about how she's glad Hugo is making some new friends and he can stay as long as he wants and what does he do for a living and does he have a girlfriend. And even though Sawyer has always been good at this, good at talking to lonely women he's got no interest in, he finds himself frozen. Luckily, Hurley saves him, tells his mom to calm down, give Sawyer a break, they just got off a 14 hour flight.

Sawyer never considered what he would actually do living with Hurley, and it turns out the man himself has got all kinds of business ventures he needs to make sure are in order, so Sawyer spends his first couple of days hanging out with Hurley's mom, watching _Oprah _and _Dr. Phil_ and Spanish soap operas that he doesn't understand, but figures they're about what everything's about: fucking, and fighting, and screwing over the people you love. It takes about a week before Sawyer feels like if he watches one more second of Dr. Phil telling people how to fix their lives he's going to have to blow his brains out. _Hell_, he thinks, _at least then he'd be carrying out a family tradition._

He knows he needs to get out of here, but he's got no idea where he'd go or what he'd do. He's not sure he's up for a con right now and there's not much else he's good for. _Unless_, he thinks wryly, _there's a hippie commune in need of a security officer nearby._

At night, after Hurley gets home from whatever it is he spends his days doing, he and Sawyer sit around talking and drinking. Sometimes they'll talk about the island—random things like whether or not they'll ever be able to put their boar-hunting skills to use in this world—but mostly they talk about Libby. Hurley's clearly insanely in love with the woman, and Sawyer feels like it's the least he can do to help the other guy out, especially since Hurley has no idea what he's doing when it comes to women. Sawyer spends the first night after they arrive at Hurley's house coaching Hurley through a phone conversation with Libby, who, Sawyer assumes, doesn't really care about the intricacies of something called _World of Warcraft. _Plus, Hurley keeps slipping up and referring to things that happened on the island. Sawyer finally tells him to hang up, says Libby's going to think he's crazy if he keeps talking about things that happened in the future on a deserted island. Finally, after three nights of this, Sawyer feels like Hurley can handle a night alone on the phone with Libby. Things go well and the next night Hurley goes out with Libby and Sawyer feels pretty useless.

After that, Sawyer starts reading _Crime and Punishment _at night while Hurley's out with Libby_; _he used to hate these kinds of books (about the only kind he wouldn't read), but something about the absurd tragedy of it all speaks to him right now. Assures him that good doesn't happen to people like him, people who kill other people in dark alleys in cold blood and then try to pretend that they deserve happiness. And, hell, anything is better than another evening in front of the tv, watching Oprah interview a bunch of emotionally repressed housewives.

That night, he digs through his stuff and finds Jack's card. Thinks about calling him, but just ends up falling asleep, the card stuffed between the pages of _Crime and Punishment._

**

He dreams he's back in the jungle, back on the island. Keeps trying to catch something, something just up ahead in the banyan trees. And then he turns around and there's Ben and the rain starts to fall. Ben's opening his mouth, but Sawyer can't hear any of the words. And then he turns around and Juliet is there. And he's so happy, but when he runs up to her, she starts to scream, and her face is covered in blood, and Ben smiles. And then the smoke comes. Grabs Juliet around the waist and drags her down into a well that wasn't even there five seconds before.

Sawyer wakes up drenched in sweat and feeling nauseous and decides he's been in LA way too long (_It's only been a week, _he thinks somewhat hysterically, but he really can't shake the feeling of claustrophobia and panic brought on by that damn dream). He shoves his clothes into a bag, and stumbles downstairs, the half-forgotten dream trailing him the whole way. Hugo and his mom are arguing in the kitchen in Spanish, saying things he can't understand and it just makes him feel like he needs to get out right now. When he walks into the kitchen they stop arguing and Hurley's mom asks if she can make him breakfast and Hurley asks if he wants to go to the comic book store with him. Sawyer gives them both a charming smile and tells them he's actually thinking of taking a road trip; asks Hurley if maybe he can borrow one of his cars.

Sawyer ends up in a '74 Camaro, and, while he appreciates the irony, he can't help wondering if he's ever really going to escape that damn decade.

**

Driving down the highway, headed east (_to Albuquerque, to Miami_), he rolls the windows down in the Camaro, tunes the radio to the first oldies station he can find, cranks it up and sings along as loud as he can, pretending he really is just on a road trip, happy and carefree. And maybe if he's bein' honest with himself, he'd say that he ain't exactly happy, but Sawyer's been a conman for a long time now and he knows that living the lie is the next best thing to believing it.

**

Two days later, he stops for the night in Albuquerque and his mind starts thinking thoughts he'd rather just forget. But he's not in a hurry to get anywhere in particular and decides to stick around for a few days. He knows Cassidy's address, writes it down on the pad on the hotel desk over and over again, and spends more time than he'd like to admit just staring at the damn thing, thinking about ways he can show up and ask about Clementine without getting his ass kicked.

One day he even drives out there, parks on the street and stares at the house for hours like a damn stalker. He sits there until the front door opens and Cassidy comes out carrying a little girl with blonde pigtails and a sweet smile. And suddenly, he can't take this; he wonders just what the hell he's doing. Before Cassidy can look over, he puts the car in gear, peels away as fast as he can. He sees Cassidy snap her head up as he roars past, and catches one last glimpse of his little girl as he speeds around the corner. He leaves Albuquerque the next morning. Never once looks back.

**

For the most part, Sawyer doesn't think at all about Juliet. He knows that part of the problem is that when he does, he can't quite figure out how he feels, and as he's never been one to contemplate feelings for very long, he just chalks it up to one of those things life throws at you that tries to fuck you up if you let it. So he doesn't. He doesn't cry over her, or think about how much better his life would be if she were with him, or think about how she left him just like everything else that's ever mattered to him in his sorry-ass life. He's nothing if not a realist and he knows that gone is gone.

But when she does creep into his thoughts, when he lets himself think about his feelings for just a little while, he can't decide if he loves her or he hates her. Sometimes he thinks that if he didn't love her so damn much, he'd hate her (_don't let go, don't you dare let go_). Really, though, he doesn't know what to think so he just tries not to. And if, after throwing back a few too many in some rundown roadside bar just outside of nowhere, Louisiana, he ends up in bed with some leggy blonde whose name he can't remember, but to whom he whispers _Jules, Jules _while she lays below him, well, he tries not to think too much about what that means.

Mostly, he just drives. Runs a few small scams, nothing too complicated, but a man's gotta eat. His southern charm is as effective as always, and a slightly broken heart doesn't erase the dimples and easy smiles, but his heart's just not in it. The scams he's running—cozy up to some pretty lady sitting alone and lookin' a little desperate in some bar, sweet talk her, spend a few nights together, and run with whatever he can steal from her purse when she's in the shower—are pathetic and beneath him, but that makes him feel better somehow. It seems like these days being a bastard is the only thing that does.

**

Sawyer keeps driving east, and when he hits Alabama, he decides maybe a turn south wouldn't be a bad idea. It's getting on into November; some warm weather might do him good. Even though he'd swore he'd never set foot in that godforsaken state after the Tampa job, he thinks Florida's not lookin' too bad right now. So he takes the turn for Tallahassee and just keeps going, east until he hits the coast and then south. And if he sees signs for Miami, he doesn't think about what that means, just keeps driving.


	3. Chapter 3

**PART 3**

******

_And a guy with any kind of courage_

_would maybe stop to think the matter through_

_Maybe hold you still and raise the question_

_Instead of blindly holding onto you_

("Moon Over Goldsboro," The Mountain Goats)

**

When Sawyer arrives in Miami, he checks into a shitty motel nowhere near the beach. He tells himself he's just passing through, but it's Miami for Christ's sake, unless he's planning a trip to the Everglades, there's no place to pass through to.

He spends most nights getting drunk in his motel room and his days sitting outside at a sidewalk café, directly across the street Miami Central University Medical Research Laboratory and he realizes what he's doing is pathetic and crazy, but that doesn't make him stop. He thinks that maybe if he just sees her once, sees her walking out of the building safe and nowhere near that damn island then he'll go, move the hell on with his life. But three days later, Sawyer still hasn't seen her and he really starts to consider the possibility that not every one got a get-off-the-Island-free pass with Jack's plan.

On his fifth night, after five straight days of waiting and watching, he grabs the phone book from the rickety nightstand next to his shitty motel bed. Looks up Juliet Burke, but she's not listed. For a few minutes, Sawyer tries to convince himself it's better this way, that he didn't want to find her, just looked her up like he would any old friend. He almost laughs out loud at this; since when did he ever have any old friends?

Eventually, he just gives up the pretense and flips a little further through the phone book. Finds what he's looking for this time: Rachel Carlson. He stares at the page for a solid 5 minutes before he just rips the damn thing out. He doesn't call, just folds up the paper and puts it in his wallet next to another reminder of his sorry-ass life (_Dear Mr. Sawyer…_). He carries it around in his wallet for a week, and don't think he doesn't realize what a pathetic pattern he's developing. Carrying around pain with him, refusing to do anything about it, until he does and fucks it all up, like he did with Duckett, like he did a million times on the island.

Finally, one night, after a few too many beers, he takes the paper out, calls Rachel Carlson. The phone rings four times before a harried-sounding woman answers. "Hello?"

_She sounds just like her, _Sawyer thinks and suddenly his mind is blank and he doesn't say anything for a few seconds. The line is silent for a few moments until Rachel tries again, sounding even more annoyed this time. "Hello?"

He realizes he needs to say something before she hangs up and mumbles into the receiver, "Um. Uh, yeah, sorry. I'm lookin' for Juliet Burke." For just a second he imagines her there with him, giving him a little smirk, gently mocking him,_ Smooth, James._

He hears a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line. "Juliet doesn't live here," the woman answers, sounding annoyed and maybe a little sad before adding, "sorry."

Sawyer can tell she's going to hang up, but he's desperate, so he says, a little too loudly, "I know!" (which, he doesn't know; he thought maybe she did live there, that maybe she was living happily ever after with her sister and nephew, that at least one person got to be happy after they blew the island to hell, but that doesn't seem to have happened at all) "It's just... you're her sister, right? Rachel? You know how I can get in touch with her?"

Rachel lets out a weary sigh, says, "No, I'm sorry. I haven't spoken to my sister in years," and hangs up.

_Well shit_, Sawyer thinks to himself, _seems like Jack's plan was a real success all around. _Sawyer's life sucks even more on this go round, the doc himself seems miserable, Kate's in prison, and Juliet's still being held prisoner by that bug-eyed little psychopath. He crumples up the paper from the phonebook and throws it across the room at the TV.

He looks back down at the phone and considers calling Jack, saying something about Juliet and fate and trying to fix things that will always be broken. But he doesn't. Just stares at the phone for a few more minutes before cracking open another beer and flicking on the TV.

**

Two hours later, the 11 o'clock news is droning low in the background, and Sawyer's almost made his way through another six-pack of beer. He's pretty much decided that Juliet must be on the island, and that there's nothing he could or should do about it, when he hears something that causes his attention to snap to the television.

Some too-tan news anchor with hair like a helmet and a cheap suit is speaking somberly while a small, square picture of a pretty young blonde woman is plastered next to his head. "Shannon Rutherford, a local ballet instructor, was killed late last night in what looks to be an attempted robbery. Rutherford's body was found inside the Miami Royal Ballet Studio, a victim of a single gunshot wound to the stomach. This is the latest in a series of tragic events for Sabrina Carlyle, CEO of Wedding Consultants Ltd. and Rutherford's stepmother. Just a week ago, Carlyle's son Boone died after sustaining multiple injuries in a cliff diving accident while vacationing in Mexico. Police currently have no suspects in the case and Mrs. Carlyle could not be reached for comment. In other news…"

Sawyer suddenly feels like he might throw up. He hears Dan's voice in his head, _It doesn't matter what we do. Whatever happened, happened, _and wants to scream. He's got no way of knowing if this pattern will hold for everyone who died on the island and he wants to tell himself it doesn't matter. Except his mind keeps going to back to what that would mean. For him. For Juliet. Hell, even for Charlie or Hurley.

He thinks again about calling Jack, but doesn't have a clue what he'd say. _Hey, doc, you know your little plan? Didn't save a single fucking person. Plus, it's pretty much ruined my life, but, hey, least you got another chance with Kate, right?_

So he just decides he'll leave first thing in the morning. He has no idea what he's going to do, but Miami to LA is a hell of a drive, so he's got plenty of time to figure out what to say and who to say it to. He downs the rest of his beer, turns off the TV and tries to sleep.

**

The next morning, Sawyer wakes up early and throws all his stuff into a bag. He wishes he could just hop on a plane (and maybe it's ironic that he's got no fear of flying, but he figures he's square on that account) but he's gotta bring Hugo's car back and he realizes with irritation that in this life he's not the kind of guy who would just ditch it or sell it for cash to fund a plane ticket. Moments like this make him irrationally angry; it's impossible to ignore Juliet and the past if it keeps intruding on his intentions like this.

So he ends up just throwing his bags in the car and drives back west as fast as he can. No scams, no cons, no blondes; just driving and sleeping. He makes it there in just under a week, which is pretty damn impressive considering it took him nearly six to get from LA to Miami.


	4. Chapter 4

**PART 4**

******

_And I am coming home to you_

_With my own blood in my mouth_

_And I am coming home to you_

_If it's the last thing that I do _

("Sax Rohmer #1," The Mountain Goats)

**

When Sawyer gets to LA, he drives over to Hurley's house to drop off the car. Libby is there and she smiles at Sawyer, tells him she remembers him from the airport bar. Hurley is as happy as Sawyer has ever seen him, and he can't watch as he and Libby smile at each other and hold hands sitting next to each other on the couch. Hurley invites him to stay at the house again, but Sawyer says no, that he's got some business he's got to take care of. The truth is, he doesn't think he can stand the other man's happiness, not when Sawyer knows it's all about to fall apart. And maybe that makes him a coward, not telling Hurley that Libby is going to die, (_just like Boone, just like Shannon_, he thinks frantically), not even wanting to talk to him, but it's just one in a long line of things he's done to disappoint himself and he gets over it pretty quickly.

After he leaves Hurley's house, he drives to other side of the city and gets a room in a run-down hotel on LaCienega. He unpacks the little bit of stuff he has, for no reason really, he's probably only going to be here a night or two he tells himself, but it makes Sawyer feel better for some reason. When he gets to the bottom of his bag, he finds Jack's card laying there next to the beat up copy of _Crime and Punishment _that he finally finished reading a few days ago and figures he might as well get it over with.

**

Sawyer meets Jack in some run-down dive bar down the street from his hotel. Jack looks rough, he hasn't shaved in a few days and his clothes are mismatched and rumpled, and when Sawyer sits down next to him, he barely looks up from his glass.

"Whatcha drinkin', doc?" Sawyer planned to start with something a little harsher, but he's honestly surprised how Jack looks. _Christ, he looks worse than he did on the island, _he thinks as he eyes Jack's sallow skin and the shadows under his eyes.

They spend most of the night making painful small talk. Jack won't make eye contact with him, keeps his eyes on the old shitty TV mounted in the corner of the bar, and it's not that Sawyer doesn't care, but he can't keep getting sucked into the Jack-Kate disaster; those two are going to have to work it out for themselves. Still, he feels like he should say something to the man, something about how that's just the way Kate is; she thinks she always has to run and she's only happy when her life is crumbling. But he doesn't say anything about Kate and neither does Jack. They both just drink and watch football on the crappy bar TV. Chargers and Raiders. Jack seems absorbed in the game, but Sawyer could not care less about it. He's on the verge of saying something about why he came back, about Shannon and Boone, when Jack turns his head and says, "I used to be a huge Raiders fan when I was a kid."

Sawyer just stares at him for a few seconds, thinking that of the million things he expected to come out of the doc's mouth, that wasn't even on the list. Doesn't know how to respond, and ends up just saying, "Yeah, well they didn't used to be such shit back when they were in LA." Jack just smiles a little and shakes his head.

They spend the next two hours like that. Watching football, saying nothing about anything that matters. When the game ends, Jack taps him lightly on the shoulder and says, "It's good to see you, Sawyer," and damned if he doesn't sound sincere.

And Sawyer doesn't know why he doesn't say what he came to say, but he just smiles, mutters, "Same to you, Doc" and watches as the other man leaves.

Walking back to hotel that night, Sawyer tells himself it doesn't matter. That Shannon and Boone dying doesn't mean anything, that weird shit happens sometimes, but there's nothing you can do about it. As he lays in bed that night, he thinks he's getting pretty good at believing the lie.

**

He and Jack meet every night that week for drinks. Mostly they just sit there and watch whatever's on the TV. It's weirdly comforting; Jack seems just as wrecked as Sawyer feels so it's not like he has to pretend he's happy like he would if he were hanging out with Hurley.

On the fourth night, they stay a little later, get a little drunker than before and out of nowhere Jack turns to him and says, "They're letting Kate out tomorrow."

Sawyer doesn't have any idea what he's talking about so just says, "Oh, yeah?"

Jack laughs a little and takes another drink. "Yeah. I mean, after the marshal died and all that stuff came out, she figured the case would get thrown out, but I think she's still surprised it's happening. We both are." He looks at Sawyer out of the corner of his eye as his finishes his bourbon and signals the bartender for another one. "Figured she would have told you."

_So Freckles found a way to con herself out of a prison sentence_, Sawyer thinks and he can't say he's surprised, but something else Jack said catches his attention. "The marshal's dead? When the hell did that happen?"

But Jack doesn't seem to want to talk about the marshal, and is mostly just curious about Sawyer's lack of contact with Kate. "You're not serious. From what Kate's told me, you guys talk pretty regularly."

Sawyer has no idea what the other man's talking about, but he knows Kate, so he can guess. Apparently he can serve a purpose even when he's not around. "Don't know what Freckles told ya, doc, but we ain't spoken since 1977. Sounds like she misses me, though" he smirks at Jack and he doesn't know why he's trying to egg the other man on when all he really cares about is finding out what happened to the marshal, if his theory about the people who died is right. Old habits and all of that, he guesses.

"You're telling me it's just a coincidence, you coming back to LA less than a week before Kate gets let out? Come on, Sawyer." Sawyer really hates when Jack takes that tone, that _I'm smarter than you are, don't pretend I'm not_ way of talking.

"Listen. Believe me, don't believe me, I don't give a shit. But I do care about what happened with the marshal. When did he die?" And something in Sawyer's tone must tell Jack he's serious, because he just sighs heavily and answers Sawyer's question.

"He was dirty, apparently; shot in some deal gone wrong thing with some drug dealers three days after we landed. Kate's lawyer got them to throw out the case because of it. So she gets to go home." Jack takes another long drink and stares hard into his glass. "I think she might stay with me for a little while. I mean, I offered, but who the hell knows, right?"

Sawyer knows Jack wants to talk about this, to ask him something about Kate, but all he can think about is how nothing is changing. So he finally tells Jack what he's been wanting to since the plane landed. "You really fucked us all with that bomb, didn't ya? You know you didn't change a goddamn thing, right? That all that's happened is people are getting to relive the same misery and bullshit they always did?" Sawyer's started yelling and people are looking at them, but he doesn't care. "And for what? So you and Kate can do whatever the fuck it is you two do when you try to get together?"

Jack looks pretty taken aback by this outburst and just says, "What the hell are you talking about, Sawyer?"

"What am I talking about? The marshal, Boone, Shannon. Whatever happened, happened, Jack. Nothing we did fixed anything." Sawyer can't believe this. That everything is going to be exactly the same.

"Wait, what? What happened to Boone and Shannon?"

**

By the time they're done talking, Sawyer is more convinced than ever that he needs to get back to the island, to try to save Juliet from whatever horrible thing is going to happen to her this time. Only problem is, he has no idea how to get back, and Jack's not sharing.

"Why, Sawyer? Why go back? If nothing we did changed anything then it doesn't matter, right? You can't change what will happen."

"Don't you see? It doesn't matter. I've gotta try. And, even if Juliet dies, that's not for three more years. You of all people should understand. You set off a damn H-bomb to have another chance with Kate!" For the first time, Jack looks contrite, and Sawyer smiles slightly to himself. He knows Jack; knows the guilt will eat at him, guilt that he destroyed Sawyer and Juliet's life so he could fix his, and he'll tell him how to get back to the island just to make himself feel better.

But Jack doesn't tell him, just sighs and says, "I'm sorry, Sawyer, I don't know how you can get back."

Sawyer doesn't believe him. "Bullshit. You came back. You and Kate and Hurley and Sayid. You must remember."

Jack just looks at him, a mix of pity and annoyance. "Okay, Sawyer. Here's what you can do. Wait until 2007, then find Daniel's mother—she lives under a church out here in LA somewhere—and ask her. She'll tell you what flight to get on to time travel back to the island in 1977."

Sawyer's shoulders slump and he shakes his head. He doesn't respond to Jack's little diatribe, just finishes his beer and puts the empty glass back down on the bar a little too hard.

"Listen, Sawyer, I'm sorry." Jack gets out his wallet, gets ready to go. "If I could help you I would."

Before he leaves, Jack takes out a pen and writes something on one of the bar napkins. He stands up to go, slides the napkin over to Sawyer. "Be careful," is all he says before he drops a twenty on the bar, grabs his jacket and starts to leave. Sawyer picks up the napkin, reads it. _John Locke (213) 555-2342. _He calls out to Jack, "Hey doc? Keep an eye on Hurley, will ya?" Jack nods and walks out the door into the muggy Los Angeles night.

Sawyer watches him go and then looks back down at the napkin on the bar. He stuffs it in his pocket, drops another twenty on the bar and heads for the door.

**

As he walks back to his hotel, Sawyer tries to figure out his next steps. Jack wasn't exactly forthcoming about how to get back to the island, but he did give him Locke's number. If anyone will have an idea, it's Locke. The guy might be insane, but Sawyer thinks that maybe that's exactly what he needs right now.

He stumbles into his hotel room and looks at the cheap clock on the bedside table. It's after midnight, a little late for phone calls about mysterious islands and time travel, so he decides to call Locke first thing in the morning. Tells himself he's not putting it off, he's not scared of finding out there's no way to get back, or that Locke's got no idea who he is, just that it's not polite to wake someone up this late. Lying back on the bed, not even bothering to take off his clothes, Sawyer falls into a dreamless sleep.

**

The next morning, he's up at eight o'clock. He grabs the napkin from the night before, determined not to chicken out or delay this another day. He picks up the phone and dials the number, a small part of him hoping that no one answers or the number's not connected. But someone does answer, a woman. For a second Sawyer thinks (maybe hopes) that he's got the wrong number, but pushes forward, says gruffly, "I'm looking for John Locke."

"Just a second." Sawyer hears a light clunk as the receiver is put down on something, and then in the background, the woman's voice calls out, "John? Phone's for you."

Sawyer takes a deep breath to steady himself as the phone is picked back up, hears a muffled, "Thanks, Helen." And then louder, "Hello, this is John."

"Locke. It's Sawyer," and he takes a breath, waiting for Locke to say, _who? I don't know any Sawyer._

But instead, Locke just says, "Took you long enough to call, James."

And damn it if Sawyer can't just picture the look on the older man's face, his _I know more than you about the island and boar-hunting and everything else_ smirk. For a second, Sawyer wants to just tell him to fuck off, that he's sick of all of this mystic island destiny crap. Instead, he just says, "I need to get back to the island."

"And what makes you think I know anything about that?"

And now Sawyer does get mad. Locke knows, of course Locke knows, and Sawyer's so sick of the universe fucking with him like this. But instead of yelling at Locke, he just says softly, "Please Locke, I've gotta get back there. You're the only one who can help me. Please." He knows he sounds desperate, like he's begging for Christ's sake, but he doesn't care. He knows he has to get back. To at least try to save Juliet, even if she wishes they've never met, even if she doesn't remember him. If he can save her, if he can make some good come out of their actions on the island, he will.

He waits for Locke to say something else about not being able to help, but instead John just sighs and says, "Okay, James, let's meet." Sawyer's so relieved he wants to cry; instead he just tells John where he's staying and agrees to meet Locke at his house in an hour. He scribbles down the directions and calls a cab.

**

When the cab pulls up to Locke's house, Sawyer thinks how weird it is for John Locke to be living in suburbia. He always pictured the man living out in some rustic wooden shed out in the middle of nowhere, not some tract house in the fucking Valley of all places. He hands the cab driver two twenties and steps out on to the sidewalk. Shaking his head at the surrealness of it all, Sawyer walks up to the door and rings the bell.

A few second later, a tall brunette woman answers the door. "Hello, you must be James. I'm Helen. Come on in; John's inside."

She leads him through a few tastefully decorated rooms, to a room where Locke is sitting on a couch watching television. Sawyer's not sure he'll ever get used to all of these off-island versions of the other crash survivors, but damn if Locke's not the strangest. He's wearing khaki shorts and a damn Hawaiian shirt. He smiles at Sawyer and says, "Hello, James."

Helen asks if she can get him anything, but Sawyer declines and she walks over to Locke, gives him a quick kiss and tells him she'll be back in a about an hour. As she leaves, she gives both men a small smile, telling them to "be good."

Sawyer thinks this whole scene might be the strangest thing yet (stranger than finding out that Hurley was a millionaire, stranger than talking to Juliet's sister, hell, stranger than be transported through time), but he just sits in a chair across from Locke and gets to the point. "How do I get back?"

**

Talking to Locke always makes Sawyer exhausted and when he leaves the older man's house he wants nothing more than to go back to his hotel and sleep for a week. Locke's even creepier in this life than in the last one. All the fate-destiny crap seems weirder when they're sitting in a tastefully decorated house in the suburbs, not stuck on Mystery Island. Still, the crazy old bastard told him what he needed to know.

Sawyer walks back down the driveway and gets in the cab, tells the driver to take him to LAX. When he gets there, he buys a one-way ticket on the first flight out to London.


	5. Chapter 5

**PART 5**

******

_The endless spring of summer storms that led me to today_

_Began one afternoon with you long ago and faraway_

_And someone leads the beast in on its chain_

_But I know you're thinking of me 'cause it's just about to rain_

_So I wont be afraid of anything ever again_

("1 John 4:16," The Mountain Goats)

**

Sawyer's never been to London. Luckily, there's cheap hotels there, just like anywhere else and he finds one in the city centre, not far from the headquarters of Widmore Industries. He spends the next two days recovering from jet lag and doing research on Widmore, trying to figure out how he's going to get a spot on the _Kahana._

Lucky for Sawyer, being a former conman has its perks, and based on his talk with Locke, as well as things Miles told him when they were stuck on the island, he's able to concoct what he thinks is a fairly strong con to get himself on the freighter. He calls Widmore Industries, charms himself into a conversation with the man himself. He tells Widmore that he's trying to find information on a mysterious island in the South Pacific, once home to a hippie commune called the Dharma Initiative. Widmore wants to know how Sawyer knows about the island, and he tells him that he lived there with his parents when he was a kid. Gives his name as James LaFleur, and Widmore agrees to meet with him two days later.

**

Widmore's office is on the top floor of a newer looking skyscraper in downtown London. Everything is done in soothing neutral colors, but the place still makes Sawyer nervous and jumpy. Widmore himself is no more comforting, with his sharp features and cold blue eyes. He ushers Sawyer into the office, asks him to sit down. Takes a file folder out of his desk and starts flipping through it. "So, Mr. LaFleur, you wanted to talk to me about an island where you once lived?"

This isn't quite what Sawyer expects, he thought the older man would spend some time beating around the bush. But he's a professional, so he takes his cue from Widmore and gets straight to the point. "Yeah. It's an island somewhere in the South Pacific, I think? I think we might've lived there in the 70s, I was just a baby so I don't remember much."

"And what were your parents names again, Mr. LaFleur?" Widmore asks, looking down at a file sitting in front of him on the desk.

Widmore's already asked this question once before, when Sawyer called the first time to set up a meeting with the man and he hopes the repetition doesn't mean Widmore doesn't buy his story. "Jim and Juliet LaFleur," he answers with a smile. He's aware that he's probably tempting fate, setting up a story straight out of a Greek tragedy—pretending to be his own father, hopelessly in love with his mother—but he knows it's his best shot of getting on the _Kahana. _Between Charlotte and Miles, it seems Widmore is interested in people born on the island and Sawyer thinks he can con the man into believing he was too, even if there's no record of his birth.

"Of course. And do you know when your family left the island?" Widmore's not really giving anything away, just keeps asking questions and flipping through the file; Sawyer can't figure out if the older man believes him or not, so he just sticks to his story.

"Sometime in the late 70s, I guess. I was just a kid, so I don't remember much, and they usually weren't too keen on talking about it." Sawyer wishes this whole thing were over and resists the urge to ramble while Widmore contiues his perusal of the papers in front of him. Sawyer spares a glance at the topmost paper, sees a small photograph of himself, back when he was Dharma's head of security.

Sawyer smiles slightly, just as Widmore asks, "And why did you decide to contact me with this information, Mr. LaFleur?"

Sawyer knows it's working, that Widmore can see the family resemblance between Jim and James LaFleur (_he damn well better, _Sawyer thinks, _considering we're the same damn person_) and answers with a smile, "Found your name among some of my dad's things. Was always curious about this mysterious island, so I thought I'd give you a call."

Widmore looks up at him, gives him a small smile, though it doesn't reach his eyes. "Well, Mr. LaFleur, I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I have heard of the Dharma Initiative, of course, but not this island, I'm afraid. But let me make some phone calls—I might be able to track something down."

Smiling at him, Sawyer stands up to leave. Reaches out to shake Widmore's hand and then hands him a card with the phone number of the hotel and his room number. "Thank you, sir. And if you do find out anything, here's the number where I'm staying."

**

Two days later, Sawyer's sitting in his hotel room watching television when Widmore calls. Says he's sending a cargo ship out to the South Pacific to look for that island they had discussed. Turns out one of his crew members—a scientist (Sawyer assumes this is Miles, figuring he's the only one who would remember and want to avoid the island at all costs)—declined Widmore's job offer and now he's a man short. He asks Sawyer if he'd be interested in re-visiting his childhood home.

Sawyer feigns reluctance. He tells him he's not a scientist, that he needs to get back to the States, but Widmore promises him compensation and tells him that he'll finally be able to solve the mystery of his childhood. Sawyer tells him he's in and Widmore says that he needs to be in Fiji in three weeks in order to board the _Kahana. _

**  

Two weeks later, Sawyer steps off a plane at the Sydney International Airport. He tried to find another route to Fiji, but every damn airline stops here first. He doesn't leave the airport, even though he's got a thirteen hour layover. Just sits in the Oceanic terminal and watches planes land and take off.

**

His first night on the freighter, Sawyer is called into the galley with the other science team members and Keamy's crew to go over the mission. They're going to send the science members down first. The four of them are going to be dropped from a helicopter in four different quadrants of the island. Each will be given a satellite phone and two sets of coordinates: one will lead them to the Tempest station, the other to the pick up point. They are each to complete a brief survey of the part of the island they land on and then meet at the Tempest science station in order to disable some gas-driven weapon. Sawyer's only half-paying attention since he figures none of this matters much anyway. Keamy says he and his men will be there on a simple recon mission and that they'll meet the science team late afternoon the next day, and Sawyer resists asking him why they need so many guns and explosives for a recon mission on a deserted island.

Sawyer's been assigned to share a room with Dan so he spends most of his time wandering around the ship, avoiding anything that will put him into too close of contact with the other man. In the few instances where they're stuck together in their room, Dan only talks about one of two things: physics or Charlotte. Sawyer doesn't know anything about the former, and gets sick of hearing about the latter pretty quick. Finally on their fourth night on the boat he tells Dan he should just tell Charlotte how he feels. Life's short and all that shit.

The next night, Naomi shows up right as Sawyer's lying down to sleep. She tells him that she and Dan are swapping for the night; gives Sawyer a little eye roll. And damn if the next day Dan doesn't try to give Sawyer a hug. He's really beginning to piss himself off, trying to save all these doomed relationships.


	6. Chapter 6

**PART 6**

**

_Thunder clouds forming, cream white moon, _

_everything's gonna be okay soon._

_Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day._

("Game Shows Touch Our Lives," The Mountain Goats)

**

Two days after they get the rundown of their misssion, the science team packs their gear, straps on their parachutes and boards the helicopter with Lapidus. Naomi tells them that they're going to be jumping out on a twenty minute interval schedule: she'll lead, then Sawyer, then Dan, then Charlotte. She goes over the protocol with them all one last time, stressing that they need to keep their sat-phones on at all times and to check in with the chopper as soon as they land safely. As they approach the island, Naomi hands them each a picture of Benjamin Linus. Tells them that if they see him, they should avoid contact and radio her or Lapidus immediately. Dan and Charlotte start to ask questions about this new task, but Naomi just says that their main objective is still to get to the Tempest; that Linus is just a possible obstacle they may encounter. She reminds them all that once they land they'll only have twenty four hours to make the meet at the Tempest station, and then she jumps from the helicopter, parachuting down into the dense jungle below.

**

Twenty minutes later, Sawyer jumps from the chopper, thinking as he does about the last time he did something like this, how that worked out okay for him and Juliet. He doesn't have time to dwell on it though, because he needs to concentrate on landing without killing himself. Figures it'd be just his luck to get all the way here only to get speared by a tree branch or something.

He gets lucky and touches down in a grassy area without trees or a ton of rocks to impale himself on. As far as he can tell, he's in the North valley; probably a few hours' walk to the barracks. Once he gets there, he needs to get Juliet and the two of them need to get the hell out of Dodge.

He turns on his sat-phone and radios back to Lapidus, tells him he's safe and that he's on his way to the Tempest, which is about eight miles to the west of where he is now. After he breaks communication, Sawyer stuffs the phone in his pack and heads south, towards the barracks.

He's got his own plan, and as long as he can stay under the radar, he's pretty sure he can make it happen. If anything, those years in the seventies (and Juliet's calming influence) taught him patience and the importance of thinking things through. Once upon a time, he would've just rushed into the camp, started shooting and hoped for the best. But he knows it's gonna be more complicated than that, especially if Ben remembers.

It takes him hours to get near the camp and he thinks how much easier this trek was when he had the whole Dharma hippie-van fleet at his disposal. By the time he comes upon the sonic fence it's almost completely dark. As much as he wants to rush in and save Juliet, he knows that it'll be best to wait until morning, and to approach from a place along the fence that isn't covered by cameras. He walks along the fence until he finds a spot that he thinks is unguarded and sets up camp in a nearby cave. As he lays in the cave and tries to sleep, he hopes that the video surveillance patterns haven't changed much in the last thirty years.

**

Sawyer wakes up on the floor of the cave with a hell of a crick in his neck. He hears people talking and he pushes himself as far inside the cave as possible. As he peeks out, he sees Alex and Karl approaching the pylons.

Karl keeps looking behind him as he says, "Alex, I don't know about this. What if your dad finds out?" The kid sounds terrified and Sawyer can't blame him. He's seen what Ben does when the kid pisses him off. That _A Clockwork Orange _shit was fucked up.

Alex leans over the control panel and disengages the fence and says, "Don't worry, Karl. I told you, this part of the fence doesn't have any cameras. Plus, my dad's got way more important stuff to worry about right now." Alex takes Karl's hand as they pass through the gates. Sawyer notices with a little smile that they don't turn the fence back on, even as he worries what Alex meant when she said that Ben had other things to worry about.

Sawyer waits a few minutes and then approaches the fence. He takes a deep breath, remembering the last time he walked through this fence after he'd assumed it had been turned off, and runs through it as quickly as possible. Nothing happens. He breathes a sigh of relief and moves toward the camp, staying as hidden as he can through the small amount of tree cover.

**

Fifteen minutes later, he's on the edge of the barracks trying to figure out how to get in the camp and find Juliet. The place looks fairly empty, which makes him a little nervous and he's just about decided to make a break for it, just run to the house he thinks is Juliet's when he hears the unmistakable _click _of a gun being cocked. He feels the smooth steel press against the back of his head and hears Ben's voice, "Hello, James."

_Fuck, _Sawyer thinks to himself, shaking his head at the shit luck he's been dealt already. He raises his empty hands and says, "Well, howdy there, Benji."

"And what, exactly, are you doing here?" And, damn he hates the sound of that little creep's voice.

"Oh, you know. Just out takin' a stroll. Man, I have missed the weather on this island." Sawyer's mind is working as fast as it can. He had hoped that Ben wouldn't remember since he wasn't there when the bomb went off, but he doesn't have time to contemplate the idiosyncrasies of time travel.

"Now is not the time, James. I need to know how you found this island and who else is here." Sawyer can hear the fear in Ben's voice and it comforts him somewhat. He knows the little bastard would sacrifice anything not to be caught by Widmore's men, and he sure as hell can use that to his advantage.

Sawyer slowly turns around and faces Ben. Keeps his hands up and tries to look as unthreatening as possible. "Charles Widmore brought me here. Well, me and a whole boatload of other people. Most 'em carrying pretty big guns."

"And why would Widmore do that, James?" Ben stares right at Sawyer, as if he can will him to tell him everything.

"Well, gee, skippy, I think it may have a little somethin' to do with you." Sawyer enjoys watching Ben sweat, and the man looks as terrified as Sawyer's ever seen him. "Our mission, Ben, is to find you and bring you back to Widmore's boat," he says, which isn't the complete truth, but he's pretty sure that Keamy and his men were told to do that if even the science team wasn't. Smiling at Ben he adds, "You sure must a done somethin' to piss the old man off."

Sawyer can practically see the wheels turning in Ben's weasely little head as the other man tries to talk his way out of this. "Well, James you definitely don't want to do that. If I leave this island, then everyone here will die. I don't know what Widmore has told you, but I can assure you—"

"Zip it, Hoss." He's not in the mood to banter with Ben. He realizes that the three geeks from the boat are most likely now at the meet-up place and have probably realized that Sawyer isn't going to show up. It's only a matter of time before Keamy and the rest of Widmore's thugs arrive and all hell breaks loose. Sawyer doesn't know exactly what was going on between Widmore and Ben, but he sure as hell knows that he doesn't want either himself or Juliet to get caught in the middle of it. "We ain't got time for this. I don't give a damn what happens to you and I sure as hell don't have any loyalty to Widmore. You give me what I want, I'll help you stay away from those boys on the freighter. Simple as that."

"Simple as that? What's stopping me from just shooting you? Now that I know those men are coming, I have a feeling I can figure out a way to stay out of their way. I know this island pretty well, after all." Damn, Sawyer wants to slap that smug little smirk off Ben's face.

"If you're talking about the Orchid, I wouldn't bother. Widmore's got that covered." Sawyer smiles in satisfaction as Ben's face falls. "Told ya, chief, he ain't gonna let you get away. Besides, you and I both know how this turns out when you try to handle it yourself and I'd hate to see anything happen to that sweet little girl of yours. But," he adds as Ben glares at him, "I got a plan."

Even with a gun pointed at him, Sawyer knows he has the upper hand. Ben doesn't trust him, but he also doesn't have a whole lot of other options. He lowers the gun, and says, "Okay, James. What do you want?"

"Where's Juliet?"

"Juliet?" Ben's clearly confused, and Sawyer suddenly realizes that even if the other man does remember the other timeline, he'd have no way of knowing anything about what happened back in the 70s. _Unless, _he thinks, _Ben remembered him from when he was a kid. _But Ben looks legitimately confused, and he tilts his head slightly as he asks Sawyer, "What does Juliet have to do with anything?"

"Listen, we can sit out here all day and chitchat about this," as he says this, the sat-phone Sawyer has in his bag begins to trill, "or we can get the hell movin'. Looks like Widmore's people are gettin' a bit impatient." He reaches in his bag and turns the phone off. Hopefully, they'll think he just got lost on the way to the Tempest and waste some time looking for him.

Ben gestures forward with the gun and gives him a tight-lipped smile. "Okay, James, let's go find Juliet."


	7. Chapter 7

**PART 7**

******

_The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway_

_is that it's you and that you're standing in the doorway _

_and you smile as you ease the gun from my hand,_

_I am frozen with joy right where I stand._

("Going to Georgia," The Mountain Goats)

**

Sawyer follows Ben into the barracks and up the steps to one of the Dharma houses (_Jerry's old house, _he realizes). When they reach the door, Ben looks back briefly at Sawyer and asks, "You're sure about this James?"

Sawyer just nods, and then says, "Wait. Give me the gun."

"You want me to give you the gun?" Ben asks, in a tone that implies that Sawyer must be dumber than he thought. "How do I know you won't use it on me, James? After all, it's not as though you're above shooting a defenseless man." The dig about Duckett gets to him a little, just like Ben knew it would, but Sawyer's not going to let himself get distracted by Ben's mind games.

"Listen, you little jackass, I'm your only hope of gettin' off this island, and I ain't gonna shoot you 'cause if I do I got a feelin' that I won't make it outta this camp. But I also don't trust you. You can take the bullets out if that will make you feel better, but give me the damn gun."

Ben doesn't react for a few seconds, just stares hard at Sawyer, then shrugs and disengages the clip. Ejects the bullet in the chamber and hands the gun to Sawyer. He turns back to the door and knocks.

A middle-aged brunette answers the door, and looks first at Ben and then at Sawyer and says, "Everything okay, Ben?"

"Of course, Harper, everything's fine. James and I just need to speak with Juliet alone for a moment."

Sawyer can't believe how fast this is all moving and feels like he's somehow losing control of the situation. He doesn't know who this Harper woman is, he has yet to see even a hint of Juliet, and he has his back to the whole fuckin' camp full of Others. But it's too late to turn back now, so he just hopes like hell Juliet remembers him and she figures out a way to get everything under control, just like she used to.

After another curious look at him, Harper turns back to Ben and says, "Of course. Go on in."

As Harper walks away from the house, Sawyer follows Ben inside. He's almost 90% sure that Juliet's not even in there, that Ben's just setting him up and is going to, like, tie him up and gas him or something, but then they're inside and he looks around and Juliet is there, just sitting on the couch.

Her eyes get really wide when she sees Ben and Sawyer walk in, and Sawyer is kind of hoping that she's going to rush over and hug him or something, but instead she just says in that calm, cool voice of hers, "James? What are you doing here?"

And maybe it's not quite the romantic reunion Sawyer's been thinking about the past few weeks, but, somehow, it's even better. He gives her a brilliant smile, "Hey, Blondie. Thought you might need some rescuin'."

Juliet rolls her eyes and stands up from the couch. She smiles as she says, "Well thank you, James, that's awfully chivalrous of you."

And Sawyer's about to say something about white horses when Ben interrupts. "I hate to break-up this touching reunion, but James tells me that I'm being hunted by a large crew of mercenaries. So, if you two don't mind, maybe we should save the adorable banter for later?"

Sawyer looks like he's about to throttle Ben, but he gets distracted when Juliet just says, "What? James, what's he talking about?"

Sawyer looks at her, says, "Widmore's men." She gives him a slightly confused look and he adds, "Sorry, sweetheart, it's a long story. But Ben's right. We need to get movin'."

"Where?"

"We gotta get to the Orchid," Sawyer says and sees Ben's eyes narrow. Sawyer looks over at him and says, "Widmore is sending a crew there, but if we hurry we might be able to beat them there."

Juliet looks skeptical and Sawyer expects her to start asking about why they're going to the Orchid, but instead she just looks at the gun in his hand, which is clearly missing the clip, and says, "I'm assuming you have another gun? One that actually has bullets in it?"

Sawyer smiles at her. "Please, woman, I'm a professional. You think I wouldn't come fully armed?" Sawyer realizes he's grinning like an idiot now, but he honestly doesn't care. He can't believe they're joking about this, but he's just so happy that he found her again and for a moment he imagines that this is all going to work out.

He puts the empty gun on the table, reaches into his bag and pulls out a pair of handcuffs and two handguns. He gives the guns to Juliet, who tucks one into the back of her jeans. Then Sawyer walks over to Ben and cuffs his hands together in front of him, while he explains to Juliet, "Space was at a premium, so this is all I got. Figured we could grab a few rifles out of ye-olde-Others-armory."

Juliet just shakes her head as she hands the other gun back to him. "The armory's on the other side of the camp and I don't want to risk walking over there right now. Everyone's probably kind of on edge since you dropped in and I'm afraid if they see us waltzing in there they might get a little trigger happy." She looks up and gives him a wry smile, "Lucky for you, I just happen to have a few rifles in the back." She reaches out and touches his arm briefly, before turning around and walking towards the back of the house.

And, damn, Sawyer loves her. He smiles after her like a moron as she goes to get the guns, thinks what he'd like to do is follow her back there, spend some time getting reacquainted, show her how much he missed her. He snaps out of it when Ben asks, "So this is all about Juliet? You came back here, have kidnapped me, and are risking your life because of a woman?"

"Shut it, ya little creep. And we ain't kidnapped you; you agreed to come with us. The handcuffs are just a precaution. And, yeah, I came back for her. Wouldn't you?" Ben looks down, and Sawyer can tell he's gotten to him. He knows Ben would sacrifice Juliet in the blink of an eye if it meant saving his own ass, but he also knows about the man's little crush on her.

Ben opens his mouth to respond, but Juliet marches into the room, a rifle in each hand and he doesn't say anything. She hands a gun to Sawyer and says, "Ready?"

**

They manage to get out of the camp unmolested, Ben complaining the entire way about the handcuffs chafing his wrists and making it difficult to walk through the jungle. Sawyer doesn't remember the little bastard being so whiny and it's really grating on his nerves.

"So James," Ben starts, "what, exactly, is your plan for getting off the island?"

"I told ya, already," he replies impatiently, "we beat Widmore's men to the Orchid and go from there."

"Well, that is an impressive plan. I can't see how it could possibly fail," Ben replies, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "It's good to see that all of your experiences here have taught you the importance of thinking things through."

"Yeah, well, it's the only choice you got, so stop criticizin' and keep walkin'," Sawyer sneers at him and pushes Ben forward.

They've only been walking for about ten minutes when Ben starts up again. "I can't say I'm surprised that the two of you got together," he says in a tone that implies that he really does know everything about everything. "I mean, once Jack left, there weren't a lot of other eligible bachelors around and, knowing Juliet, she probably got restless fairly quickly. You guys were on this island for what, three years?" He smirks and adds, "That's a pretty long time to go without companionship."

Sawyer wills himself not to react, just clutches his rifle a little tighter and stares resolutely at the jungle in front of him as they continue walking in the direction of the Orchid. He can't believe he's even bringing Ben along with them. All the times that he imagined his reunion with Juliet, none of them involved Ben trailing along behind them like a psychotic puppy. Certainly they didn't involve Ben insinuating that Sawyer's plan isn't going to work and making snide remarks about the nature of his and Juliet's relationship.

"Although, James, I must say I am a bit perplexed about why you came back for Juliet," Ben muses.

Sawyer knows that Ben is just trying to screw with them, to somehow regain control of the situation, but damn it if the other man isn't pissing him off. He looks over at Juliet and she just shakes her head and rolls her eyes. That makes him feel a little better. He tries to concentrate on the fact that he has finally found her, and ignore Ben's presence completely. Which gets increasingly difficult as the other man continues to talk.

Looking from Juliet to Sawyer, Ben asks, "So what are you two going to do when you get off the island? I mean, it's great that you guys were able to make it work here, where the choices were rather limited. But if you both actually do make it off the island…" He shakes his head and trails off, looking off into the jungle.

"If we do make it off the island, what?" Sawyer snaps at him, annoyed.

Ben just looks at him, his eyes wide with mock concern. "Well, James, you're an ex-con who's never worked an honest day in his life. And Juliet is a well-respected doctor." He gives Sawyer an innocent smile as he says, "It just seems like it might be a challenge."

Sawyer grits his teeth, doesn't respond. He's considered this, of course. Hell, he thought about it more than once when they were still here in the 70s. Figured if they were in the real world, she'd had never been with someone like him, someone who has spent his whole life being a liar and a cheat, and he'd have probably seen her as nothing but another possible mark. Back then, he'd managed to convince himself that it wasn't important. That they were together now, and were both different people and that was all that mattered. But he considers for a moment that Ben might be right; that when they go back in this life, that maybe it won't be as easy as Sawyer hoped it would. That when they're not locked together in a lie, they'll fall apart.

But even as he's thinking this, Juliet looks back at Ben and says, "Thank you for your concern, Ben, but I think that James and I will be able to handle it." She looks over at Sawyer and smiles softly. And, looking at her right now, he believes her, believes that they'll somehow make it work, that it will all be okay. If, that is, he can get them off the damn island.

"No, of course, Juliet. After all, you do have experience with dating men rather below your station," Ben says and smiles at her. "Although, I must say, I just hope this whole thing ends better for James than it did for Goodwin."

And that's it, Sawyer's had enough. He pushes Ben forward with the barrel of the rifle and sneers at him, "Shut the hell up and keep walkin', asshole."

Juliet lets out a bark of laughter and looks back at Sawyer. He smiles back at her. "What can I say, Blondie. Comin' up with new nicknames all the time is hard."


	8. Chapter 8

**PART 8**

_**_

_From the cities to the swamplands_

_From the highways to the hills_

_Our love has never had a leg to stand on_

_From the aspirins to the cross-tops to the Elavils_

_But I will walk down to the end with you_

_If you will come all the way down with me_

("Old College Try," The Mountain Goats)

**

They're about three hours from the Orchid station when Sawyer slams the butt of his rifle into the back of Ben's head.

As the smaller man collapses into unconsciousness, Juliet whirls around and stares at Sawyer, wide-eyed. "What the hell was that?"

Sawyer leans down and starts to rummage through his pack. He pulls out some rope and tosses it at Juliet. "Just untangle that and help me tie 'em up."

Juliet catches the rope, but doesn't do anything with it, just stands there holding the tangled mass. "James." Her voice is calm, but Sawyer can tell she's angry. "What are you doing?"

"Damn it, Jules. We ain't got time for this. Just sort out that rope and let me do this." Sawyer's still rustling through his bag. Finally, he stops, pulls out a syringe and a small bottle of clear liquid.

He stands up and walks over to her, trades her the rope for the bottle and syringe. Juliet looks at the label. _Phenobarbital. _"You want me to drug him?"

"Listen, Juliet. We gotta get goin'. What I said to Ben about Widmore's men going to the Orchid? That's gonna happen. But if we hurry, we can beat 'em. We gotta move though." Juliet just looks at him, so Sawyer gestures down at Ben. "I woulda just killed the bastard a few hours ago, but I wasn't sure how you'd feel about that. I figure we'll tie him up, gag him and drug him. Then we'll leave him in one of these caves. Out of sight. If he survives, he survives. The island protects him or whatever crazy mumbo-jumbo he wants to tell himself. If Widmore's men find him, well, that ain't our problem." Sawyer stares at her, willing her to trust him and just do as he asks for once.

"I have no idea how much of this to give him, James. There's no dosing instructions here. What the hell do you expect me to do?" She's talking in a cold, slightly shrill tone that tells him she's about to go off on a rant.

"Damn it, Juliet! Just do it. What's the worst that can happen? He dies? Who gives a fuck? After all he's done to us, you're worried about hurting 'em? This is our one chance to get outta this hell-hole, and if Ben's the sacrifice, well, then…" He trails off and shrugs.

Sawyer knows what he's asking, knows she doesn't want the blood on her hands, but they have to do this. He softens his tone a bit. "Listen. It'll be fine. Just give it your best guess. Please, Juliet." Sawyer reaches out and takes her hand. "Please."

She pulls her hand out of his grasp and he's afraid she's going to start arguing again, but she just looks down and shakes her head. She jabs the syringe through the top of the bottle and fills it up with the drug.

Sawyer finishes tying Ben up and drags him into one of the nearby caves. Juliet follows him into the cave, leans over, lifts Ben's shirt up a little and injects him. After she pulls out the needle, she looks up at Sawyer and says, "We should wait a little while. Make sure it takes effect."

They sit together outside the cave in silence for a few minutes, and Sawyer realizes this is the first time they've been alone since he's arrived. He wants to tell her that he missed her, that he loves her, but what comes out is, "Did you mean what you said?"

Juliet scrunches up her forehead, looking confused. "What I said when?"

"Before." He says it quietly and seriously, like he's been waiting to for weeks.

And even though _before _could refer to any number of things, she knows from the way he says it what he's asking. Knew it was only a matter of time before he asked and she silently curses herself for insisting they sit here and wait for the sedative to work.

"I don't know, James." Juliet really doesn't want to be having this conversation right now. Or ever, really. "I guess I meant it at the time."

"You meant it at the time?" He sounds incredulous. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means what it means. Things were falling apart around us and helping Jack was the only way." She wishes she could get him to understand. Problem is, she's not quite sure she understands herself.

"That don't answer my question. Do you really think we shouldn't be together?"

"No, James, I don't think that," she says with a sigh.

"Then why the hell'd you say it?"

"Because, I just…I felt you slipping away, and then with Kate back…You can't blame me for being scared." She knows how lame she sounds, but she feels like she has to defend herself somehow. Juliet glances over at Ben's unconscious form and really hopes he's not faking. Because if he's hearing all of this, she's definitely going to have to kill him.

"You were scared? That's your excuse for leaving me?"

"For _leaving you_? You think that I fell down a forty-foot well, set off a nuclear bomb, and have relived the past three months—with Ben of all people!—because I wanted to break up with you? As hard as it may be to believe, I didn't let go of your hand to break up with you, you idiot. I was actually being dragged down by some pretty heavy chains at that point…"

"Well, damn it, Juliet! I don't know!" Sawyer says, jumping to his feet. "I ain't got any idea what you were thinkin'! First you tell me that you love me, and then you just let go!"

Juliet can't believe how angry she is right now. It's like all of the stress and anxiety from back then is finally finding its way out. "I just _let go_? Are you kidding me right now, James? I didn't just let go—I was practically being ripped in half by those fucking chains. In addition to the fact that, if I hadn't let go, you would have been dragged down, too!"

By now they are standing face to face and are yelling pretty loud. Sawyer hopes none of Widmore's crew is nearby; if they are, he's pretty sure he and Juliet are fucked. But he can't stop yelling at her, all the rage and pain from the last three months finally coming out. "Maybe I wanted to be dragged down! You ever think of that?"

Juliet laughs derisively. "Yeah, that would have been a brilliant plan. Both of us, lying broken and bloodied at the bottom of a shaft with a hydrogen bomb."

Sawyer reaches out and grabs her arm, gets real close to her so their faces are only about an inch apart. He lowers his voices, and hisses at her, "At least then we would've been together." He releases her arm and stalks a few feet away.

Juliet's about to yell back at him about how maybe she wouldn't have even ended up in that hole in the first place if he could have just dropped his whole Kate obsession, when, suddenly, she realizes she can't do this any more; she can't stand here and yell and fight about something that happened thirty years ago, or three months ago, or three years from now, or whenever the hell it happened. She thought she was saving him, not only from whatever disasters awaited them in 1977, but also from the obligation of being with her when she knew he would rather have Kate.

She knows that this could go on forever, that she could always doubt his love or his loyalty, always be afraid he was going to leave her for someone younger or more exciting. But he came back. He found her and came back to the island to save her. Juliet figures that has to mean something, something more than a three-second glance at Kate.

Sawyer's standing a few feet away from her, his head in his hands. She spares a brief glance at Ben, noting that he still hasn't moved, and then walks over to Sawyer. She reaches up and gently takes his hand and looks in his eyes and says, "I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry I left you, that I let go. But I had to do it; it was the only way to save you." And then she leans forward and kisses him.

He doesn't respond at first, but then he starts kissing her back, hard and hungry. Juliet reaches up, puts her hand on the back of his neck and she misses the way his hair feels brushing softly against her hands when they're like this. Sawyer's arms are around her waist and they're kissing like it's the first time. And in this life, Juliet realizes, it is.

When they finally break apart, Juliet lets out a little laugh and looks down. "Wow," is all she can manage.

Sawyer laughs a little and she's going to kill him if he mocks her too bad for that, but he just leans his forehead against hers and whispers, "Yeah."

It's kind of weird standing there like that and Juliet's not sure why, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that Ben is lying just a few feet away and they're supposed to be running for their lives, not making out in the jungle. Sawyer sees her looking over at the other man's unconscious form and clears his throat, says, "We should probably get goin'. Don't want to be here when the rest of Widmore's crew arrives. Or," he nods towards Ben, "when Gentle Ben over there wakes up." He gives her a last quick kiss and then releases her.

Juliet reaches up and smoothes out her hair, watches as Sawyer walks over to his bag and leans over, stuffing his things back inside. She's glad they got that out of the way; maybe now things will go back to normal. She almost laughs out loud at that, when the hell were things ever normal? Giving her head a little shake, she just walks over to where Ben is laying.

Juliet kneels next to Ben and reaches over to feel his pulse. She leans back on her heels, looking satisfied that he's not dead. Then she picks the empty syringe up and jams it into Ben's leg.

Sawyer leaps back, looking at the syringe clutched in Juliet's hand. "Jesus Christ! What the hell was that for!"

"I needed to make sure he wasn't faking," she says in a clinical tone. She looks at Ben's unresponsive form and hands the syringe back to Sawyer. "He's not."

**

"So why is everyone so keen on getting to the Orchid?" Juliet asks and she looks back at him. They left Ben in the caves about fifteen minutes ago, and they're making pretty good time even though the jungle's pretty dense here.

"I talked to Locke, he's the one who told me how to get back. Said that the only way off the island—unless one of us knows how to operate a submarine—is in the Orchid. It's how he stopped the flashes all those years ago; how he left to find Jack and Kate and Hurley and everyone. Only problem is, Widmore knows about the exit and is sending a team to block it just in case Ben got any fancy ideas about skippin' town."

Juliet stops, turns around and looks at him. "There really is a way to get off the island in the Orchid? That people other than Ben or Locke can get to? Since when?"

"Since always, I guess," Sawyer says with a shrug. "But it ain't simple; Locke said that when he left he ended up in a desert, more than thirty years after he left. And when Ben tried to leave, the island started skipping through time." He gives her a wry smile, "As I'm sure you recall."

"You're telling me that there has been a way off this island less than ten miles from where I've been living for the past three years?" Juliet can't believe it; she really fucking hates this island. But she just sighs and shakes her head as she asks, "So what's your plan, James?"

He's been waiting for her to ask and doesn't think she's going to like his response. "Well, Blondie, my plan is to go to the Orchid and then turn some giant donkey wheel and hope that it gets us off the island." He looks up at her and adds wryly, "Hopefully not thirty years in the future."

"That's your plan?" Juliet can't believe this is what he's been planning, but hey, it's better than nothing. "And what the hell is a donkey wheel?"

**

By the time Sawyer's done explaining everything, they've made up a good amount of ground and Juliet looks even more skeptical about his "plan" than she did before.

"So we're just going to go to the Orchid and find this secret passage and then we disappear off the island and end up in a desert…where?"

"Tunisia," Sawyer says and he knows she's not going to like that answer.

Juliet stops walking and just stares at him as he continues on past her. "Tunisia? As in, Africa? This desert that we end up in is the Sahara desert?"

"That's the one. Where'd you think we'd end up? Home plate at Yankee Stadium?" Sawyer says playfully. He figures the best tactic here is to be charming and flippant, hopefully diffuse some of the anxiety she's bound to feel.

"James, did you ever consider how I'm going to get home? I don't have a passport—or any identification for that matter. Plus, I've been missing for three years! It's going to look suspicious if I just turn up in Tunisia of all places." Juliet really can't believe this. It would be just her luck to get stranded in yet another isolated place, far from home. At least she'll get a change of scenery, she thinks. Trade the ocean for the desert.

"Come on, Jules, we gotta keep movin'." He waits for her to start walking again before he continues. "Besides, it ain't like we're gonna end up in Antarctica or someplace. I'm pretty sure Tunisia has an embassy. We'll just go there, tell 'em you lost your passport, get a new one. No problem."

"You want to go to the American embassy and lie. Great plan. I can't see how this could possibly go wrong. Or how we might end up locked up in some foreign prison."

"Give me some credit, sweetheart," Sawyer says. "I used to lie for a livin'." He looks over at Juliet and sees her roll her eyes. "Let's just focus on gettin' off this damn island and then you can criticize my rescuin' skills, okay?"


	9. Chapter 9

**PART 9**

******

_And it was hard but you were brave, _

_you are splendid_

_And we will never be alone in this world_

_no matter what they say_

_We__'__re gonna be okay_

("San Bernardino," The Mountain Goats)

**

They're in the process of trying to cross a shallow stream, both of them stepping carefully on the rocks sticking up through the water, when Sawyer looks over at Juliet and says, "So, about what Ben was talkin' about…" he trails off, hoping she'll be able to fill in the rest. That he won't actually have to say it out loud.

"What Ben was talking about when?" Juliet doesn't look up, her eyes are trained on her feet and she's trying to concentrate on not slipping into the water.

"When he was sayin' that stuff about when we get back. About how you're a doctor and I'm a conman and how that ain't gonna work out so well." He says all of this as fast as he can, just wants to get it out. He's not sure what has gotten into him, wanting to constantly talk about feelings and their relationship. Must be something about the damn island.

Juliet looks at him out of the corner of her eye and says, "You're listening to Ben now?"

Sawyer doesn't answer right away, just looks back down at the water and concentrates on making it across to the opposite bank. They make it across the stream and Juliet looks at him now that she's no longer focused on trying to keep her balance.

Now that he has her attention again, he continues. "I ain't listenin' to him, just thinkin' about some of the stuff he said," Sawyer mutters. He's trying to figure out a way to say what he wants to say without causing another argument. It's not that he wants to keep rehashing this same thing, but he figures they might as well talk about it now, while they've got nothing else to do but walk.

"Oh, well, then. That's completely different," Juliet says sarcastically, bumping his shoulder with hers to take some of the sting out of her words.

Sawyer takes a breath, runs his hand through his hair and tries again. "It's just that, it's kinda like what you were sayin', you know? About how two people can love each other, but that doesn't mean that they should be together. We're really different people, Juliet, especially when we're not on this island."

"Oh my God. You can't be serious. Didn't we just have this conversation less than an hour ago? I told you why I said that!" Juliet honestly can't believe he's bringing this up again, and she doesn't have the energy to keep having this same conversation. But she doesn't want to argue with him about it either, so she just tries to deflect this line of discussion. "Hey, since when are you interested in having long relationship talks anyway? Did that bomb trigger some kind of weird repressed emotional center in your brain?" she teases and smiles at him.

But when she looks over, he's not smiling, just staring at the ground, so she says more seriously, "Listen to me, James. I know it isn't going to be easy, going back. I'm not an idiot; it'll be weird and probably suck for a little while. But, I mean, we've survived time traveling and this island and Ben and a hydrogen bomb. I think the fact that you don't have a steady job is hardly going to be a problem."

"It ain't just that," he replies, frustrated.

"Okay, then, James," she says, a note of impatience creeping into her voice, "what is it?"

"It's just…you had a normal life. In Miami, with your sister. And that's what you want to go back to. And I ain't gonna fit in with that," he mumbles this last part, looking away from her.

"Yeah, well, guess what? Neither am I." Juliet says this more harshly than she means to, but his insecurity is starting to get on her nerves. "I'm not the same person I was when I left Miami. I've been gone for three years, during which time I've killed God knows how many people and have been blown up by a hydrogen bomb." She shakes her head and laughs derisively, "So, don't worry James, if anyone won't fit in with my normal life, it will most certainly be me."

Sawyer doesn't really know how to respond to that, he's never really thought about it from her perspective. And maybe he's a jackass, but it makes him feel better that she's worried about going back. That she thinks she won't be able to slip into her old life, the one that didn't include him. Makes him feel like maybe they'll both get a chance to start over, just like back in Dharma.

They don't say anything for a while, just continue walking deeper into the jungle. Finally, Juliet sighs and reaches over and takes his hand. "It's going to be fine, James," she says, and Sawyer knows that she's trying to convince them both.

After that, they don't really talk. Just focus on getting to the Orchid station and getting the hell off the island.

**

They're about half a mile away from the Orchid when a helicopter swoops by low overhead.

Sawyer looks back towards the chopper and watches as three dark figures fall from the sky behind them. "Shit! Come on, Jules. We gotta run." Sawyer figures they've got about a fifteen minute head start on the mercenaries and he hopes like hell that it'll be enough. He reaches out and grabs Juliet's hand and pulls her forward with him.

"What the hell was that, James?" She's running with him as fast as she can, but keeps stumbling over the roots and rocks that litter the jungle floor.

"Widmore's men. They're headed for the Orchid." He really hopes she doesn't start with the questions again. They've got to get to the greenhouse now. "Just run, Jules!" he yells, pulling her after him.

**

Minutes later, they arrive at the Orchid, both out of breath. Sawyer runs over to the rows of potted plants along the left side of the greenhouse wall and starts throwing them off the shelves. "Help me out, will ya?" he calls over to Juliet.

Juliet has no idea what he's doing, but she runs over and starts throwing plants to the ground. "What are we looking for?"

"There should be a switch. It's over here somewhere." Sawyer's starting to panic. There are a lot of plants here and he doesn't actually know what the switch looks like. He curses Locke and his damn vague information.

"What kind of switch?" she asks him. Juliet really thought he would have a better plan than this. She figured he was lying to Ben when he said that his plan was just to make it to the Orchid before the mercenaries, but it doesn't look like it.

He doesn't respond to her, and she can see he's panicking. "James," she says, trying to keep her voice calm, "what does the switch look like?"

"Damn it, Juliet, I don't know; it looks like a switch! Just keep lookin'!" Sawyer doesn't mean to yell at her, but they need to find this thing and fast. It's gotta be here somewhere, Locke told him it was on the left side behind some plants. Only problem is, there are about a thousand fucking plants over here and the left side of the greenhouse is about thirty yards long.

He's just about given up hope, figures that Keamy's crew will be arriving any minute when Juliet yells over to him, "James! I think I found it!"

Juliet reaches down behind one of the shelves and pulls the switch. As Sawyer runs over, the building starts to tremble slightly and a steel door opens just to the left of where Juliet's standing. They can hear Widmore's men crashing through the jungle, getting closer to the Orchid, as they leap into the elevator and slam the doors closed.

When they reach the bottom of the station, Sawyer grabs Juliet's hand and pulls her out of the elevator and down a tunnel. He's muttering to himself under his breath, trying to remember everything Locke told him about how to find the way out.

They reach a small laboratory at the end of the hallway. The lab is cramped and full dated computers covered in spider webs and dust, and there's a small chamber set off to the side of the room. Sawyer picks up a metal chair and throws it into the smaller side room. He looks over at Juliet and says, "Find anything metal you can and put it in here."

It only takes a few minutes for them to pack the vault with chairs and clipboards and an old steel desk. Sawyer slams the door and turns a dial on the wall next to the chamber. Grabbing Juliet's hand, he drags her with him behind the equipment. Juliet looks terrified, so he just kisses her lightly on the mouth, hoping to reassure her. He pulls back and gives her a little smile.

She opens her mouth to tell him that she trusts him, that she loves him, that she's sorry she didn't the first time, but the vault explodes, and the force of the blast pushes them both to the ground. Sawyer pulls Juliet up and they run into the chamber. It's smoky and cramped, but they push through to where there's a hole blown open in the back. They slip through that and end up in another tunnel. As they move down it, the elevator at the other end of the lab starts moving upward.

Juliet looks behind them, towards the elevator, but Sawyer pulls her forward, says, "Come on, Sunshine, we're almost there."

They get to the end of the tunnel and climb down the ladder that's there, finally landing on a thin layer of ice, which Sawyer kicks at until it breaks, sending shards of ice down to the cavern floor fifteen feet below them. He's freezing and his hands are numb and his feet slip on the ice that coats the ladder. Above him, Juliet is shaking with cold and he curses himself for not remembering to bring warm clothes for her. He's almost to the bottom when he hears Juliet let out a little yelp. He looks up in time to see her falling down. She hits him and they both land in a heap on the rocky floor of the cavern.

Sawyer pushes himself up, thankful that they didn't fall very far, and checks on Juliet, who is still laying on the ground. "You okay, there, clutzilla?"

She laughs a little, she looks okay but she's still shivering like crazy, as she says, "C-clutzilla? Y-you're losing your touch th-there, J-James."

Sawyer smirks at her and helps her up, noticing as he does how blue her lips look, how her body won't stop shaking. "Well, sorry, princess, I got other things on my mind right now." He hears the men pushing through the tunnel above them and helps Juliet towards the glowing green wheel set into the stone wall.

"W-what is th-this place?" She asks, looking around the ice-filled cavern.

Sawyer leans his forehead against hers and gives her a little smile, and, oh, she has missed him so much. "It's our way out, sweetheart."

Widmore's men are coming down the ladder, shouting at them to stop, yelling _where's Linus,_ but they ignore them and shakily make their way over to the frozen wheel.

Sawyer's got a million thoughts running through his head, about where they'll end up, about what they're going to do when they get there, about what will happen if Ben survives and finds out what happened, about what Widmore will do when he figures out that Sawyer screwed him over. But none of that matters right now. All that matters is that right now, they're together and that they're finally going to get off this godforsaken island.

They squeeze together between two of the wheel's spokes. Sawyer leans over and whispers in her ear, "Ready, Blondie?" She looks behind her and gives him a small smile. "I'm ready, James."

Together, the push the wheel. Sawyer's lips brush her hair and he feels her hand beneath his, ice cold, but there, and he hopes this works. They move toward the wall and there's a flash and the world turns white.

**

**END**

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**Author's Note:** Thanks so much to everyone who read and reviewed! This was my first fic, so all of the feedback and encouragement was super-appreciated :)


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